So this is how this feels?

On April 10th thru the 12th I experienced the worst pain that any mother should ever have to experience.  I lost a child and while that child was only 10 weeks old it broke my heart into a million pieces to hear the words, "There is no longer a heartbeat".  Those words will be etched in my soul forever.  How does someone lose a child?  I knew exactly where Itty Bitty was.  He ( I just have a feeling that it was a He) was growing inside me like he was supposed to and then for some reason that I will never ever know, he just stopped.  His heart just stopped beating?  Why?  Why did God need him back when we needed him here.  Why did God think that my family needed to feel this pain of losing someone that we had already grown to love?  I can honestly say that at times I don't know how to deal with this.  I know that there is a reason that he was needed back in Heaven and I know that one day I will get to hold him.  What I don't know is WHY? It's not fair that I didn't get to know what he looked like.  Did he have his daddy's eyes or my smile?  Would he grow up to play football or be a wrestler?  Would he love the Red Sox as much as his Daddy does?  Would he be as full of life as his two older sisters?  We'll never know and the pain of that is too much some days.  It gets to me the most when I'm here alone.  When I have nothing but quite time to myself.  Time to sit and think and just wonder.  Sometimes I get so pisssed and sometimes I just sit and cry. I've been told that it's all ok.

On April 11th when we told the girls that the baby's heart had stopped beating we cried as a family (well Ayla didn't as she didn't quite understand).  I can still see the look on Kenna's face when we told her.  Again, a pain that no child should have to feel and there was nothing that I could do to take that pain away from her.  Jake and I hugged her and reassured her that everything would be ok and that there was a reason that this was happening.  Later in the evening I asked Ayla if she understood about the baby and her tiny little four year old response about dropped me to my knees.  In her sweet little voice she simply said, "Yes, the baby's heart wasn't big enough and he had to go to Heaven to get a better one!" I knew then that little ones clearly have an insight that we adults just don't have.  At one point during the next couple of days (it's all kind of a blur to me) she came into our bedroom where I was resting and she brought me a bib that she had found in her room.  She told me that it was for the baby.  When I reminded her that the baby had gone away she quickly smiled and said, "But he's coming back soon!" and off she went.  It's through her that I realize that everything will be ok with time.  She's mentioned on several occasions that the baby is coming and I have no doubt that she knows what she speaks of.

As the days and weeks pass since losing our precious angel it does get easier.  I recently purchased a necklace on Etsy to wear to remind me that Itty Bitty is never far from my heart.  It's got a November birth stone (due date was 11/15/12) and on the back it simply says 4~12~12.  The day that the miscarriage took place.

In trying to find peace with this a verse jumps out to me:  John 3:16  "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son." Here I am being not pissed at God so much as I'm just upset at trying to understand when even God in Heaven knows what it's like to lose a child.  But the Bible also tells me that, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds,"  Psalm 147:3.  So I take faith in knowing that this is all part of God's master plan for our family.  While we may not know the reason now or ever, I have to have faith that there was a reason that I only got to hold Itty Bitty for 10 weeks and that God needed him more than I did.   While I don't know what Itty Bitty looks like, sounds like or anything, he knows what I sound like from the inside and I have no doubt that one day in Heaven I will get to see his smile and hold him close to me and tell him that even from day 1 his mommy, daddy and sisters loved him. 

Until next time!