And then there were FOUR

It's been a long time since my last post and a lot has changed.  After our miscarriage in April, we experienced two more early losses. I started questioning if having more children was in our future and then in October of 2012 we were blessed again with being pregnant.  We were skeptical to get excited, knowing what our past had dealt us and also knowing that this blessing could be taken away at any moment like the others.  We went to our doctor for an early ultrasound only to find out that we were carrying not one, but TWO babies.  Identical twins!!!!!

Needless to say we were shocked and excited as were Ayla and McKenna.   We were first told that the babies were mono/mono, meaning that they shared both a placenta and an amniotic sac and were extremely high risk.  We returned to the clinic  5 weeks later and found a dividing membrane so we went from being mono/mono to mono/di.  One placenta, but two amniotic sacs.  A little less risk, but still high risk none the less.  

We were excited that the twins had grown and were healthy.  Both had strong heartbeats and were growing.

We returned to the clinic 5 weeks later to have our first Twin To Twin Transfer ultrasound.  Twin to Twin transfer happens in identical twins from time to time.  Since it's hard for me to describe what exactly it is, here is a link to wonderful information: 

Twin to Twin Transfer

The twins on January 15th. 

Our Ultrasound on January 15th indicated that our Baby B had a much smaller amniotic sac/fluid than Baby A.  We weren't diagnosed with TTTS but our high risk doctors touched base with Cincinnati Children's Hospital about our case. If we are in fact at some point diagnosed with TTTS, we will be candidates to have a laser surgery done but currently we are just being watched. On Thursday of last week our Baby B fluid was still low but our Baby A had also gone down.  We still don't meet the criteria for surgery and we are hoping that our fluids level out on their own.  

The twins on January 17th. 

So for now while we are VERY excited about adding not one, but two little additions to our family we are scared about what we face in the weeks to come.  We know that our doctors at UIHC are the best at what they do and we have faith that they have us and our babies best interest at heart.  

I heard a quote the other day that has become basically my daily motto now!

I remember how fun my first two pregnancies were.  After three losses and now dealing with this I don't think the "fun" will come back until these little twinkies are in my arms.  

We ask for prayers that the fluid levels stable out on their own and if they don't then we ask for strength to go through surgery.  

She's a teenager now!

In just over an hour it will have been 13 years since my water broke and I went into labor with my first child.  12 1/2 hours later, McKenna Kay was born.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  I remember what I ate for dinner the night she was born, it was a chef salad.  I remember this because I recall being very hungry while in the hospital and of course they wouldn't let me eat.  Apparently they didn't realize how long a salad does not stick to a pregnant woman's tummy.  Shortly after McKenna was born I requested a Big Mac and got it.  


She had this cute little nose and these lips that were made for lipstick. She had dark hair and was so tiny.  When I held her for the first time I knew she was sent from above.  She was so beautiful, by far the most beautiful creature that I had ever seen.  

She still is if I can be honest. Just thinking about how amazing of a person she is brings tears to my eyes.  She has this laugh that is so contagious.  Like when you tell her a joke and a couple seconds later she really gets it and the laugh that she does comes from deep inside.  And she has this smile that can light up a dark day.  She's so talented in all she does.  A gifted athlete who never lets her grades fall below A's.  I'm blessed that God decided to give her to me.  I know most days I don't deserve her, but I'm sure glad that he knew she belonged to me. 


As if the day she was born wasn't special enough, what made it even more awesome was that May 4th is also my Dad's birthday.  My Dad is one hell of a man who I adore more and more every day.  A man of few words, but who would give ANYTHING for his family.  I do believe that having his first grandchild on his birthday was by far one of the coolest gifts I could have given him.  I remember him saying that day that he'd never celebrate another birthday again.  They have a special bond that I hope only continues to grow. They are both very special people!  

To my darling first born:  my birthday wish to you as you enter these rough teenage years is to always remember who you are.  Allow your personality to grow and never let anyone tell you that you can't do something.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made and you will go wherever you want to because you are determined and strong.  I will always be here to support and encourage you in all of life's ups and downs and I will forever love you with all that I am.  

Thank you for allowing me to share your life with you.  For always being here with a smile or a hug when I need it and for always, ALWAYS showing me how wonderful life is with you in it.  I love you so very much and you have blessed my life in so many beautiful ways.

Happy Birthday, McKenna Kay! 

The giggles always help

“It is cheerful to God when you rejoice or laugh from the bottom of your heart.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Tonight our home was filled with lots and lots of laughter.  The girls were high on sugar and Velata chocolate and the laughs just didn't stop.  It's by far the best form of medicine and one that makes my soul feel good.  Watching the smiles on their faces when they are having fun together is priceless.  Hearing them belly laugh is the best sound in the world.  Then watching them as they crash from having a full afternoon and evening is peaceful.  They are both tucked in for the night and as I sit here in the quiet I'm reminded of just how blessed I am.  I have a home, a fiance who I adore and who loves me more than I thought was possible and two amazing daughters who think the world of me and I likewise think they hung the moon.  I was reminded today on a couple different occasions that no matter how rough I may think that I have it from time to time, there is always someone who has been through or is going through something far worse than me.  I'm reminded that while I may feel pain, there are others who are truly suffering.  Tonight I'm grateful for what I have and will find a peace in that.  Tonight I pray for those who need to find that peace and for those who struggle and maybe can't find a reason to laugh.  Tonight when I lay down I will thank God for my many blessings as well as the challenges that I face as I know that they are what make me a stronger person.  And tonight I will pray that everyone will find a reason to laugh!

Until next time!

So this is how this feels?

On April 10th thru the 12th I experienced the worst pain that any mother should ever have to experience.  I lost a child and while that child was only 10 weeks old it broke my heart into a million pieces to hear the words, "There is no longer a heartbeat".  Those words will be etched in my soul forever.  How does someone lose a child?  I knew exactly where Itty Bitty was.  He ( I just have a feeling that it was a He) was growing inside me like he was supposed to and then for some reason that I will never ever know, he just stopped.  His heart just stopped beating?  Why?  Why did God need him back when we needed him here.  Why did God think that my family needed to feel this pain of losing someone that we had already grown to love?  I can honestly say that at times I don't know how to deal with this.  I know that there is a reason that he was needed back in Heaven and I know that one day I will get to hold him.  What I don't know is WHY? It's not fair that I didn't get to know what he looked like.  Did he have his daddy's eyes or my smile?  Would he grow up to play football or be a wrestler?  Would he love the Red Sox as much as his Daddy does?  Would he be as full of life as his two older sisters?  We'll never know and the pain of that is too much some days.  It gets to me the most when I'm here alone.  When I have nothing but quite time to myself.  Time to sit and think and just wonder.  Sometimes I get so pisssed and sometimes I just sit and cry. I've been told that it's all ok.

On April 11th when we told the girls that the baby's heart had stopped beating we cried as a family (well Ayla didn't as she didn't quite understand).  I can still see the look on Kenna's face when we told her.  Again, a pain that no child should have to feel and there was nothing that I could do to take that pain away from her.  Jake and I hugged her and reassured her that everything would be ok and that there was a reason that this was happening.  Later in the evening I asked Ayla if she understood about the baby and her tiny little four year old response about dropped me to my knees.  In her sweet little voice she simply said, "Yes, the baby's heart wasn't big enough and he had to go to Heaven to get a better one!" I knew then that little ones clearly have an insight that we adults just don't have.  At one point during the next couple of days (it's all kind of a blur to me) she came into our bedroom where I was resting and she brought me a bib that she had found in her room.  She told me that it was for the baby.  When I reminded her that the baby had gone away she quickly smiled and said, "But he's coming back soon!" and off she went.  It's through her that I realize that everything will be ok with time.  She's mentioned on several occasions that the baby is coming and I have no doubt that she knows what she speaks of.

As the days and weeks pass since losing our precious angel it does get easier.  I recently purchased a necklace on Etsy to wear to remind me that Itty Bitty is never far from my heart.  It's got a November birth stone (due date was 11/15/12) and on the back it simply says 4~12~12.  The day that the miscarriage took place.

In trying to find peace with this a verse jumps out to me:  John 3:16  "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son." Here I am being not pissed at God so much as I'm just upset at trying to understand when even God in Heaven knows what it's like to lose a child.  But the Bible also tells me that, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds,"  Psalm 147:3.  So I take faith in knowing that this is all part of God's master plan for our family.  While we may not know the reason now or ever, I have to have faith that there was a reason that I only got to hold Itty Bitty for 10 weeks and that God needed him more than I did.   While I don't know what Itty Bitty looks like, sounds like or anything, he knows what I sound like from the inside and I have no doubt that one day in Heaven I will get to see his smile and hold him close to me and tell him that even from day 1 his mommy, daddy and sisters loved him. 

Until next time!  

Well here we are

It's been far too long since I've written.  We are settled into the new house and adjusting to our new life.  The girls seem very happy with where we are at and I couldn't agree more.  I can't wait for Spring to get here so that I can get outside and plant flowers.  With the 12 windows in our sunroom I plan to plant lots of planter boxes of flowers outside the windows.  Now if only I could convince my family to allow me to move my office from the basement up here.  I'll keep tryin!

Ayla is growing like a weed.  Hard to believe that in just a little over a month she's going to be 4.  Where has the time gone?  She's so smart and so sassy.  She gives me a reason to giggle every day.   Every time I look at her and Kenna I know how blessed I am.

Jake and I will be taking our first vacation together in April.  Jake has always wanted to see the Red Sox play so for Christmas I got him Red Sox/Yankee tickets.  We'll be flying to Boston for a long weekend and I'm almost certain that he's had the countdown going in his head since he found out we were headed that way.  I plan to use some of the trip to recruit new Scentsy consultants  :)

Then in June we'll be headed to Punta Cana for yet another all expense paid trip with Scentsy.  This business has beyond blessed my life.  I've gone from barely living paycheck to paycheck to being able to pay all my bills, help others in their time of need and do fun stuff with the family without even batting an eye.

I can honestly say that my life has been blessed.  I never would have guessed that a year ago I would be where I am today, but then again a year ago I didn't know the man who is responsible for much of this happiness.  I look at him every morning and thank God for blessing not only my life, but the life of everyone that Jake comes in contact with.  He truly is an amazing man and I am so lucky to have him.

Well, it's time to play a game with the littles so I guess that's it for now.  I will be back soon!

Well, it's a start

Well, I guess this is one way to get myself to write down what's going on in this crazy life I lead. God has sent me on some funny paths.  Married twice, divorced twice and now in an amazing relationship with someone who means the world to me.  I'm sure many people thought that I got involved too soon after my divorce, heck I know that many people talked about it and I just got to the point where I had to say WHO CARES?  My life is my life and I'll be damned if I was going to live it unhappily.  Why would I want my girls, who mean the world to me, to grow up seeing me unhappy in my relationship?  I want them to experience what true love means and even more what it looks like.  I wasn't looking for Jake when he came into my life, but there he was.  Someone that I could talk to.  He understood what I was going through as he was going through the same sort of situation.  He listened when I talked.  We spent hours upon hours on the phone getting to know each other and we naturally fell in love.  He captured my heart and even thinking about it makes me tear up.  He's my angel, sent from above.  For a long time I listened to my sister talk about how she still gets excited to see her husband come home every night.  Now I know exactly what she is talking about.  Every time I see Jake walk through the door my heart races.  Every time I feel his kisses on my forehead at 4:30am when he gets home from work, I feel like I'm the luckiest girl alive.  He has given me a gift of love that I have never felt.  I am 100% confident in our relationship and know without a doubt that he was heaven sent.  God had a plan in our meeting, in our coming together and in our relationship being what it is.  When he wraps his arms around me it's the safest feeling in the world.  And even more than that, he loves my girls as his own and they adore him.  

We've grown as family since Jake has come into our lives.  We spend hours laughing and having fun with each other.  We act goofy and it's so much fun having a house full of giggles.  

So where will our crazy life end up next...well, I bought a house in Tiffin.  It will become OUR HOME.  A fresh start on a life that I've only dreamed of.   I'm excited for our future.  I'm excited for my Happily Every After...Take 3.